[Edit] I've decided not to take the job. I just think at this point in time, it's not the right decision. I think I believe my family and friends are more important than a job because a job can always be replaced; friends can't.[/Edit]

I'm in a tough position, or I should say I've been put into one. A couple months ago I applied for Asset Protection at Wal-Mart, and that's a huge deal because you have to be good to get it and bust your ass. Well, apparently Chad liked several candidates, including myself, and wanted a second interview done.

I just had my second interview today. I finally learned why no one wanted to do asset protection now. Let's start with the Pro's.

Pro's:
01. Pay Raise of about 3-4 dollars
02. I can fire people.
03. I am promised 40 hours a week.
04. On the job I can wear whatever I want.

Con's:
01. Have to train at another store for 6 weeks.
02. I can't have any contact with any of my friends at Wal-Mart
03. Can't date within Wal-Mart
04. Clashes with my school schedule
05. I will have to work tonights and over nights.

When I say any contact with friends, I mean any, I can't hang out with them, text them, or anything else because if I do and Home Office found out, I'd be fired without a second thought. It has to be with conflict of interest, which makes me hesitate to take the job.

I had been planning to go with Heather to a Supernatural Convention, but if I take the job I won't be able to go. I just don't know what to do, he told me to think about it, and he's suppose to make a choice about AP by this weekend. So I have until this weekend to decide what I want to do. Lose my friends, or gain more money.

[Edit] Our dog(s) killed my cat, and I'm highly upset. I really really loved this cat . I'm upset. . I'm sorry Freddie, that I couldn't save you...


RIP Freddie
February 12, 2008



I'm angry because this isn't the first time, so my parents have decided to start getting rid of the dogs because we don't know which one (if all) were involved. But I don't know if they'll actually do it...

Today just seems to be getting worse and worse as it goes on. This morning I was fine (I've been sick), and thought I'd be fine to work since I didn't work Monday nor did I go to school, well, I was flat out wrong. I went into work, and my stomach (no I'm not pregnant, have to have sex first) was turning, and I got sick.

Well, I went to stand up for a few minutes, and I got really dizzy, and before I knew what was going on, the room was spinning. So I practically screamed, 'I think I'm going to pass out,' and ran to sit down (and just in time too). So I don't know what's going on with me, but the same thing happened last Friday too. I wasn't sure if I'd make it home, but I did .

Anyway, I'm looking for a new Himalayan kitten near Indianapolis, Indiana to replace Freddie. I know he just died, but I need a kitty. Freddie was awesome because he only came to me, and he slept with me everynight. I would just call out to him, and he'd come... Freddie Betty, I miss you.

You may think he's just a cat, but he isn't. He's so much more than that. I lost a friend today; I lost him.
[/Edit]

I must say this before you read the entry, this is me; the real me. This how I feel day to day, some days worse than others, but please respect my wishes without ridicule. I get that enough, and I don't need anymore. This is a serious matter, and I am sharing with you, the readers, what is going on below the surface and inside my head.

Thank you.

Dear Diary,
I feel like no one understands what I am feeling. My parents think it's nothing, but how can it be nothing if I feel my world is crashing down around me? Everyday I'm alive is another day of misery and how much more can I take? I feel overwhelmed, with school because I always feel that I'll never do or be good enough.

My mom used to call me stupid and I remember that.

I just want to die and be away from everything. My own family doesn't know how to even be nice to each other, and it hurts. I wanted a birthday party with my family in the hopes of having one peaceful meal, but my fucking family can't even do that because for one fucking night they can't set aside their differences. Isn't that what family is suppose to do for family?

My family has always been pitted against each other, and I just want it to stop. I'm tired of being made fun of about stupid petty jokes whom everyone thinks is funny except the person it's directed at. Our we so cruel in this world? And do we really have to be?

Another thing, Jon is a nice guy, but who am I kidding? He deserves better than me. I'm so fucked up that sometimes I can't even think straight. I do like him, but honestly, how can I be ready for a relationship when I can't even accept myself and my life?

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm living a lie to please other people. Each day I feel like I lose a piece of who I really want to be. And I feel this pressure in my chest that makes it feel like my heart is breaking into tiny pieces that can't be put back together.

Everyone always says that it'll be alright or okay, but they don't know how I feel. I cry as I write this because this is my life, my mere existence.

Everyone usually sees me laughing and joking around, but I've come to realize, it's a front, a defense tactic I'm using to hide who I am. I'm confused, lost and don't know where to go from here. The only reason I have not killed myself to this day or tried is because I can't. I can't go through with it.

Which is why when people always ask me how I think I'm going to die, I say a car crash. Because I'm hoping for that exact instant someone can end my life for me. I'm tired of everything at work, just for once are we incapable of being nice and doing our jobs?

I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everyone thinks it'll be okay, but it's not. It'll never be okay.

Each day it gets harder and harder to get up and through the day. I just want to lie in bed and just stay there I die. I'm tired of living. I guess you could say I'm not really "living" but just another speed bump.

How did I get this way and why?

I cry; because I can't remember what it's like to be happy.

[Edit] I totally changed the smilies ! But I still don't know what to do about thos whole situation . [/edit]

So the date went good, it went really good, I was extremely nervous, but I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating already. I know some girls would kill for this, but I am not one of them, I need my space and I need my independence. Call it whatever you may, but I just feel like he needs to back off a lot.

I've got too much going on, and not enough time in the world to deal with it. I've got work (full-time), school (part-time, had to drop a class), boyfriend, and trying to fix my health (I'll explain here in a few).

Anyway, I work full-time, I'm tired when I get off, most of the time I just want to sleep, and literally sleep. When I'm not at work I'm usually at school, and I had to drop a class because I couldn't do work and school both full-time, so dropping a class and having a boyfriend isn't going to make it any easier.

And for Jon, he text's me when I wake up, and if I don't respond, he will text me a few more times till I do, and he know's sometimes that I'm working making it difficult to text back (constantly on the move). Every day. I have to clear my inbox at least once a day on my phone because I get so many text messages. And I feel so bad for complaining about it, but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now.

On the health issue, which is my biggest concern because I've been dealing with it for years. Last year I went to the doctors because finally I admitted something was wrong. What was wrong? Basically, I'm always tired. It doesn't matter when or where, I'll be tired. I can wake up wide awake and then twenty minutes later, be ready to go back to bed.

This isn't just something that has magically appeared over the space of months, we're talking YEARS! I failed all my classes last semester at college because I gave up, I was too tired to even bother with them. I've been to the doctors and had some basic blood work done and everything has returned normal. Could it be depression?

I would hate to break up with him even before we saw where this goes, but I don't know. I'm overwhelmed already.

So anyway, tonight is the night that Jon & I go on our date! I'm excited, and nervous. We hung out yesterday and it was cool. We're going on a triple date with Bobbie Jo, Stephen, Mary and Eric, which should be exciting.

I am really so nervous though because I want to have a good time because I like this guy. I called into work mostly because I don't feel good (nooooo!), but partially so I could get ready earlier (yes I bought new clothes just for this). I'm just so nervous!

I hope the night turns out good

So...there's this guy I've been talking to, and his name is Jon. He's friend's with Trey and Mike, we've been talking lately. He seems pretty cool.

Anyway, he said he wants to get to know me better. Which is totally cool considering I'm new at dating, and it's pretty awesome. So I'm excited, nervous and giddy. Ha ha. I'm shaking. He caught me off guard.

Woot. Go me.